School Fail

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I’m a guy.

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward.

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in.

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I’m also pregnant.

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college.

Today, my RA told me my vintage bike reminded him of his childhood. I laughed and said, "What, were you born in the 50’s?" He replied, "No, I was born in a third world country and my grandfather took me to school on the back of his bike everyday."

Today, I proposed to a girl I’d been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I’d first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook ‘OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today’.

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He’s a 35-yr old physician; I’m a 28-yr old lawyer.

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay.

Today, I’m studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn’t hear her. Assuming I don’t speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry… come fix it."